31 Oct Do I Need a Man?
By self-inducing orgasms without any external stimuli, one of the questions I get asked a lot is, do women need men?
There are various researchers who are looking at what determines human life quality and happiness. As our minds can prove pretty much anything it really sets its focus on we are inclined to find evidence to support our preconceived ideas. Thus there are research findings that support the idea that long-term marriage has a positive impact on our well-being as well as opinions that single women without children are the healthiest and happiest.
We do have this rather strong preconceived idea, that as a woman you need a man. If you don’t have one there seems to be something wrong with you. There are times when I have been single and when someone has asked, do you have a partner and I’ve said no, I always got some pity replies, oh no! Why not? How come? The reaction always bedazzled me because I most of the times I actually felt quite good and in harmony with my life and being with myself. Looking around at the healthiness of most relationships and interaction between couples, I often feel the same compassion when people are in a relationship and wonder, oh no! Why are you with a partner? How come?
And no, I’m not a strong independent woman who doesn’t need a man. For me the wording of the question itself is actually problematic. And a direct answer to this question then no, I don’t need a man. Most people don’t “need” a partner in the modern world, as they are very independent both materialistically as well as psychologically needing their own way of being, needing to be themselves, doing what they like in ways that they like and think is right according to their background and value systems and relationships are often becoming a burden of compromise and misunderstandings of not allowing one to be who they are. Therefore relationships are becoming more complex as egoism is valued and humbleness is not. It’s about me, me, me and what do I get instead of you, you, you and what can I give.
When facing our greatest teacher within our partner, that triggers points of ego which we are often not willing to go through, not wishing to bear the suffering to reach the depth of love which in the higher sense of the word would mean overcoming our ego. Some of us are. But here arises another question- do we really need to suffer to learn? Since when did we become so attached to the idea that the only way to really grow and develop is through suffering? Surely, you do develop through hardship, but can you without? This is a question everyone can ask themselves. Do I need to stay with the partner and suffer through it, or can I consciously understand the lesson they are teaching, and deal with it on my own with less suffering reaching the same place of healing and love within?
Do I stay or do I go? This question really is asking, what do I need to let go of in my life in general, what patterns, what emotions and thoughts, what am I holding on to that causes repeated suffering that doesn’t allow the free flow of loving energy? Am I able to let go of that within a relationship? Or could a relationship actually impede you from experiencing a state of love rather than being a stepping stone for it?
What we really seek in relationships and sex is oneness, unity. However, instead we often begin to see our separateness, and the expectation and dream of unity fall into a thousand pieces. To then pick up the pieces we begin to prove ourselves, to put on external displays to meet the standards, begin to act to do, to strive, to improve to forcefully reach that display of happily-ever-after.
Sometimes relationships serve as the external curtain to hide our loneliness. Are you happier and more fulfilled in the relationship or out of it? Be honest. Are you using the external display to hide your inner loneliness? Experience the totality of loneliness, vulnerability, insecurity. Face it. Look into it, be with it. This is regardless of whether you are in a relationship or not. This is called life.
As humans, we are facing the insecurity of separation and longing for oneness. But this can be felt with or without a man. And this should be looked into with or without a man. It’s all life. I once felt stressed for a few days and shared it with a dear friend of mine. She said this is life bulging in you. Life is perfect in its depth of totality, not in its picture-perfect display. It is perfect with the love you feel in your heart. It is perfect when you are connected. Connected in the depth, not in display.
It’s often challenging to see our own wounds and shortcomings in a relationship and so easy to fall into blaming the other in pain and frustration. At the same time expressing the authenticity of where you are and who you are and self-forgiveness and acceptance would pave the path to open-heartedness. However, we need to be careful not to fall into the trap of justifying our ego “I’m like this” as an excuse, but as an honest statement.
Relaxing into the heart and communicating the pain we feel. Remember, anything and everything you think, say or do is between you and the universe, with that someone just being part of the greater relationship of you seeking to connect to your own soul.
To help to stay connected we must constantly work on letting go of external expectations. Let go, let go, let go, allowing us to experience the depth of now. Breath it in and exhale the fear of having to do, having to be instead are. You are and he is. Being in one.
You can visualise threads to what you hold on to. Either softly untied and let the knot fly up into thin air, allowing the universe to take care of the energy or if necessary cut it sharply. Feel the pain, allow it to go. It’s also alright to feel the pain of attachment to come to a light space of freshness, of now. If you love someone, let them go. This allows being together to be a choice. This can be scary in that we seek security, commitment and promises.
Women don’t need men. Woman’s heart needs to love and serve from a place of love. Either humanity or a man. So the whole idea is not “needing” a man but for me personally actively choosing to want a man and partnership in my life to learn to love through a relationship dynamic, to search for depth and to reach growth and expansion both in sexuality and love. Human love can be a beautiful path to choose to connect to our own soul.